My interpretation of CoE Episode 4

In very simplistic terms, here's my interpretation of episode 4 and the "plan" to beat the 456:

Jack: "Let's just go in there, wave our guns around, have a bit of a chat, and I bet the ugly bugger shits himself and runs away with his tail between his legs".

Ianto: "Good plan, Jack. Best you've ever had. I'll come help because I'm so totally in love with you that I know you wouldn't deliberately put my life in danger. Do you think we should ask Rhys to make some more beans before we go, because we need at least one more truly unsatisfying emotional scene between us before I sacrifice myself needlessly to that snot-flying ET wannabe."

Jack: "Oh, what was that you said, Ianto? You're just my part-time shag and I need you to die horribly so I can then go and kill my grandson, althought you would think I'd have learned my lesson after sacrificing that poor child to the fairies? Right. Let's go. And don't bother about taking any safety gear, Ianto, even though we know from past experience that the 456 are nasty little turds with the capacity to wreak havoc on our planet. I'll keep you safe in my warm, muscular arms."

Ianto: "By the way, I need to phone my sister on the way to my death, sorry I meant to say, on the way to defeat the 456 - to warn her to take care of the kiddies, although I think you should probably give that job to Gwen so she has something to do in episode 5."

Jack: "Great idea Ianto, because I'll be too busy going totally against any past characterization traits I may have picked up over the past few years, and sacrificing my grandson to the snot-throwers. Hey, I might even try to squeeze out a tear (I’ll just pretend I’m back in my trailor reading this script for the first time as the waves of horror sweep over me when I realize I have to act this crap with a straight face.)

Ianto: “Oh, and don’t forget to make sure that you totally screw up any future series of Torchwood by becoming a total wanker and deserting Earth and Gwen in their time of need. “

Jack: “Right you are. I lust after your body, Ianto. And I’ll never tell you I love you because that would give some closure to your death for all the fans who have adored us from series 1 and 2 and played a huge part in making Torchwood so popular.”

Ianto: “I love you, too.”

Jack: “Ianto? Ianto? Please don’t leave me. I can’t continue with this schlocky script without you here to at least give the fans something to perve at.”

Ianto: “Don’t forget me, Jack. Promise me I’ll never be just a blip in time for you.”

Jack: “Won’t happen. I’ll need something to have a good laugh about next series when my buddy Russell rustles me up (god I’m funny) a new piece of arse. Of course, none of the original TW viewers will be watching because you and I both know that, without Janto, this series is dead in the water. But what about the other 7 million viewers who tuned into CoE. Surely they’ll be back to watch TW4. What do you mean the American Idol finals will be on the same week and they’ve all deserted us because they have no loyalty to the show? Bugger. At least I’ve got Desperate Housewives to fall back on. What? It’s been cancelled.”

Gwen: “There’s nothing we can do.”

Jack: “Bugger that, Gwen. Find me another one of those damn resurrection gauntlets, the life knife…something. I’m not spending the next five series of TW contending with your screaming brat and introducing new characters to a show which is only being watched by people who hate American Idol. I love American Idol and I’d rather be watching that than you and your hubby being all sooky-lah-lah. I need my Ianto back.”

Gwen: “Don’t go, Jack. We need you. It wasn’t your fault.”

Jack: “Of course it wasn’t my fault, you wanna-be Ianto love replacement. Do you think I played even a small part in killing this series which made me rich and famous. It was that idiot Russell trying to score points off Josh Whedon by attempting to make Ianto’s death as poignant as Tara’s. Speaking of Buffy and Tara….mmmm, interesting threesome possibilities there. Bye Gwen, I’m off to speak to Joss about a new idea for a show called Jackbuff. It has potential. Good luck with trying to make TW4 a success. Give Russell a kick in the…sorry, I meant to say “my love.”

Rhys: “Righto then. Just you, me and the brat. Do you think we could convince Russell to change the title to Bikini Cops? I always kinda fancied myself in a swimsuit.”